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Author: Subject: I'm on the web, and I'm funny...
LTTank
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baddevil.gif posted on 10-31-08 at 11:57 AM   «:|:»  Link to post Reply With Quote
I'm on the web, and I'm funny...



:ninja:
(A good story I just HAD to share. from http://www.orangepeelgazette.com/ ):
:frown:

Think YOU had a bad day?
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, however, because the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly, drape it around your neck because Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!

Finally, you yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance." In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance." To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.

In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than the palm of your hand.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor. Now you lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet, of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew. You're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, "Frankly, dear, you just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl. Of course, that sprays a fine mist of water on your butt, which then runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in, too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you find in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!


**guys** -> :aecheers: <- **gals**
(the more we know, the sooner we get along...)
:ninja:


"What? No more cake and ice cream left? To hell with this, I'm outa here!"
http://aldentevontino.webs.com/photos/Shhhh/liferules2.jpg
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[*] posted on 11-20-08 at 03:28 PM   «:|:»  Link to post Reply With Quote


A kids prayer


A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grandma and good bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good bye to Grandpa?"
"I don't know." She replied, "It just seemed like the thing to do, Daddy."
The next day Grandpa died, and the father thought this was just a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put his 3 year old daughter to bed again, told her a story, and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy and Daddy and good bye Grandma."
The father asked, "Why did you say good bye to Grandma?"
"I don't know." She replied, "It just seemed like the thing to do, Daddy."
The next day Grandma died, and the father thought this was just too weird! His daughter was in touch with the other side!
Several weeks later the father was walking down the hallway towards his daughter's room to put his 3 year old daughter to bed again, tell her a story, and listen to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy and good bye Daddy."
The father was too freaked out to ask why she had said this, so just smiled, tucked her in and kissed her forehead and headed into the study. He was in shock, and needed a drink!
He couldn't sleep a wink, and sat in the study all night, drinking coffee, staring at the clock and looking about at the slightest sound!
The next morning his attendant woke him up and he nervously went to the office. He was shaking all day, had lunch brought in and watched the clock. If he could make it till midnight, he was going to be ok. He felt safe in his office, so instead of going home he stayed there, drinking coffee, watching the clock and his watch, jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived and he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got there his wife was standing there waiting for him and said, "I have never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, as I have just spent the worst day of my life."
"You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me! This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!"
:cevil:


"What? No more cake and ice cream left? To hell with this, I'm outa here!"
http://aldentevontino.webs.com/photos/Shhhh/liferules2.jpg
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[*] posted on 12-4-08 at 09:36 AM   «:|:»  Link to post Reply With Quote


The owner of a golf course in West Virginia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the West Virginia University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A group of W.Va. friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke! of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!

:dshades:


"What? No more cake and ice cream left? To hell with this, I'm outa here!"
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[*] posted on 12-20-08 at 01:13 PM   «:|:»  Link to post Reply With Quote


How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
Well, first there has to be a majority vote, then proper forms must be filled out in triplicate and also voted on, and if those pass with a majority vote, requisition forms must be filled and approved and the wait for the new light bulb begins...
:dshades:


"What? No more cake and ice cream left? To hell with this, I'm outa here!"
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[*] posted on 3-16-09 at 04:59 AM   «:|:»  Link to post Reply With Quote


Hahaha!
I crack me up sometimes!
(Too bad those days are slowly vanishing...
**sigh**
...No matter, "Chin up!" I've always been told!)

:aecheers:


"What? No more cake and ice cream left? To hell with this, I'm outa here!"
http://aldentevontino.webs.com/photos/Shhhh/liferules2.jpg
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[*] posted on 8-22-09 at 05:43 PM   «:|:»  Link to post Reply With Quote


Pastor's Business Card:

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice and I was afraid because I was naked."


:shcool:


"What? No more cake and ice cream left? To hell with this, I'm outa here!"
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[*] posted on 8-31-09 at 04:28 PM   «:|:»  Link to post Reply With Quote


A man walks into a bar...
...He leaves with 8 stitches!

(HAHA! Made you look, didn't I?!?)
:aarock::ninja::tounge::shcool:


"What? No more cake and ice cream left? To hell with this, I'm outa here!"
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[*] posted on 12-22-10 at 11:16 PM   «:|:»  Link to post Reply With Quote


A funny thing happened to me the other day. I was walking down the street and some old man dropped a $50 bill from his pocket. I stopped one step away and tapping him on the shoulder I said, "Sir you dropped some money on the ground."
He said, "No it isn't. I am poor. It must be yours."
I looked at the bill and shrugged and placed it in my pocket and walked with the man a bit since we were going the same way anyways. "Are you sure this money isn't yours?"
He smiled as we walked to the end of the block. "No, I'm sure. I'm poor."
We got to the end of the block and he started to turn at the corner, away from where I was walking to. I stopped and tapped his shoulder to get his attention. "Sir, I saw this money fall from your pocket. I know it's yours!"
He stopped and saw me waving the $50 dollar bill in his face. He kept smiling and said, "No it isn't I'm poor right now. When I get home I will have more money. That money is yours for walking with me a while. I get lonely sometimes."
I smiled too as he turned back around and continued on his way.
Needless to say I pocketed the money again.


:dshades:


"What? No more cake and ice cream left? To hell with this, I'm outa here!"
http://aldentevontino.webs.com/photos/Shhhh/liferules2.jpg
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[*] posted on 12-22-10 at 11:20 PM   «:|:»  Link to post Reply With Quote


Quote:
Originally posted by LTTank
Hahaha!
I crack me up sometimes!
(Too bad those days are slowly vanishing...
**sigh**
...No matter, "Chin up!" I've always been told!)

:aecheers:

Who let THIS sour-puss in?


http://tjsullivan.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/crying-baby.jpeg

:dshades::bbgun::borg:


"What? No more cake and ice cream left? To hell with this, I'm outa here!"
http://aldentevontino.webs.com/photos/Shhhh/liferules2.jpg
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[*] posted on 1-7-11 at 11:54 AM   «:|:»  Link to post Reply With Quote


The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines asymmetry as a place where you bury dead people in a special pattern.

:dshades:


"What? No more cake and ice cream left? To hell with this, I'm outa here!"
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[*] posted on 3-17-11 at 12:59 AM   «:|:»  Link to post Reply With Quote


Subject: Author: Forum: Replies: Views: Last Post:
Folder What's up? LTTank Faces and Places 0 25
on 3-12-11 at 07:55 AM
by LTTank
...
I find it funny all this time 25 views and no replies...
...Hmmm...
:duh::ninja::duh:


"What? No more cake and ice cream left? To hell with this, I'm outa here!"
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